We're not even half-way through the month and I'm feeling some blogging fatigue. I think, mostly, it's because the last week has been so hectic, so heavy.
But, I can't just blame it on Texas. If I'm being honest with myself, the fatigue has been brought upon by a lack of care for myself, a lack of mindfulness.
Between work and school and time with friends and families, it pretty much feels as if every last minute of my day is packed. To the point that it's 10 p.m. on a drizzly and chilly Thursday evening in mid-November and I'm suddenly struck with a sense of exhaustion and dread:
Oh yeah, that's right, I still have to fucking blog because apparently I thought it was a really good fucking idea to commit to one more goddamned thing in my life.
So, yeah, that.
Still, it's 13 days in and I'm invested. While I understand the importance of knowing when to tap out, to know when to say when, I'm also saddled with a healthy (I think) sense of pride.
I'm going to do my best to see this through.
But it's also got me thinking a lot about how to make my life a little more balanced.
I mean, for fuck's sake, I haven't worked out in 10 days. And I can feel the effects of that not just in the tightness of my jeans (oof) but in the stress held in my shoulders and the stiffness of my legs.
I need yoga and spin class and long walks and green tea and healthy juices and notably smaller amounts of alcohol and carbohydrates and sugar. And plenty of sleep. God, especially the sleep.
Of course with the holidays crush about to happen, all of those things may not be happening anytime soon--at least on a consistent enough basis to make a difference.
In the short-term however, we are getting away for a quick trip to Pioneertown and Joshua Tree. There's a part of me, naturally, that would rather stay home this weekend. We were gone nearly a week and have been home for only four days and I'm already having to think about packing again...ugh.
Still, this trip will be different. No family drama. Just good friends and gorgeous nature and awesome music and some much-needed time on the open road.
I swear to God that after that I will exercise more, eat better, drink less, sleep more and generally just be the most green tea-drinking Zen person ever.
Listen, I was totally prepared to come here and start ranting about Time's asinine "Which Word Should Be Banned in 2015" thingie but frankly I really just don't have the energy to dissect just how a national, respected magazine could lump in the word "feminist" in with words and phrases such as "om nom nom," "I can't even" and "turnt":
"feminist: You have nothing against feminism itself, but when did it become a thing that every celebrity had to state their position on whether this word applies to them, like some politician declaring a party? Let’s stick to the issues and quit throwing this label around like ticker tape at a Susan B. Anthony parade."
Since when is "feminist" a "thing" that should be derided in the breath as "bae," "literally" and "obvi'? That it is reveals the author to be sophomoric, shallow and completely missing out on all points. It reveals the author to be someone willfully ignorant and derisive of history and struggles and injustices, past and present.
I mean, seriously, how is this even a discussion?
Because it will probably always be a discussion among small-minded people and those who don't truly grasp the history and significance of the word. (And Courtney Love, too, of course).
I'm not going to rant about it now because I ranted about this subject four years ago--how the word "feminist" has been vilified. In fact it was the subject of one of my first blog entries here:
"Maybe it’s not a big deal that young women don’t want to use the F word – maybe it’s outdated, maybe its connotations don’t resonate, maybe there’s another word that better defines what it is we are and what we do.
That’s not to say I won’t still call myself a feminist — I am one, I always will be one, even when I don’t think about it all the time. That said, I won’t get freaked out when some woman 20 years (or younger) my junior speak a different cultural language of change (maybe it’s similar to how I cringe at the word “lady” or “ma’am” in certain contexts) at least not as long as she’s actually out there living the life."
So this is me not ranting now. Besides, Shawna at The Bluest Muse does a much better job of explaining why Time's argument is infuriating and why the word and concept remain relevant:
"I'll stop "throwing this label around" when the pay gap disappears, when mothers aren't systematically punished in the workplace for caring for children, when men can access paternity leave freely, when women aren't asked what they were wearing before getting raped."
Perfectly said and, accordingly, here's me giving zero fucks about this controversy. Because "feminist" is not a trendy word, it's a social, cultural and political movement that's far from over or outdated.
Today's NaBloPoMo prompt asks: "If you could permanently get rid of one worry, what would it be?
The question seems odd both in syntax and context, For starters, it sounds as if it it's asking which worry I'd like donated to Goodwill and carted away, thank you very much.
Also--and I realize this might seem weird--but I'm not sure I want to "permanently" rid myself of one particular concern. Worry serves a purpose. Worry reminds us of what's important, what's at stake.
That is, of course, unless those worries threaten to hold you hostage--if they stop you from taking action and moving forward and generally just living your goddamned life already.
To that extent, I have been trying to worry less about the future (money, house, the health of those I love).
And here it's not about conflating "worrying less" with "caring less". Rather, I realize there are so many things I have no control over (the economy, biology, etc) and so instead I'm trying to channel those worries into action. What actions can I take to address those things? What controls do I have?
This isn't to say these things don't shock me awake at 3 a.m.. They do. It's just that I'm trying to learn to take more deep breaths and realize that all the worry in the word--all the action in the word, even--may not change the outcome.